162/ LIVING WITH ANXIETY

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to write for this post for what seems like forever. To add some context - these pictures were taken two weeks ago. I keep going back and forth trying to decide between writing about the outfit itself or the anxiety attack that I experienced that night. In one of my latest posts (Beyond the Instagram) I discussed being more honest with myself and with my social media so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has always been a constant and dependable thing in my life. It comes in many forms, but I mainly live with social anxiety. I'm a textbook introvert and can be extremely shy at times - all of this tied in with being anxious in social settings has affected my life in more ways than I care to admit. It's still not an easy thing for me to talk about, but I think it's important for me to do so.

I have good days and bad days. Some days I can go out, talk to new people and do all of the things that I want to do but some days I just can't. I can't put into words how difficult that can be. It's like there's a road block or a fence; you're standing on the other side, wanting to participate, you can see everybody else having a good time but you just can't. The night that these pictures were taken was one of those nights.

It started out well. I was having a good time and I was surrounded by some of my closest friends, some of the people that I feel the most safe around. But anxiety doesn't care about that sort of thing. We were at a club that I am semi familiar with (I've been a handful of times) but the second that I stepped out for fresh air, it all hit me. I began to panic. There are too many people in the club. It's too hot in the club. I don't know the music. I don't want to talk to anyone or look at anyone. There are people everywhere. When I (reluctantly) reentered the club, I felt the walls closing in. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. That is an absolute horrible feeling and I'm sorry if that's something that you can relate to. I grabbed my friend, Michael, by the arm the second we reentered and told him we had to leave ASAP. I found the rest of our group on the dance floor and explained the situation.

I'm extremely fortunate to be surrounded by people who understand what it's like to live with anxiety disorders. My friends were all understanding. Michael and I left that bar and headed to one that I was more comfortable being in. We ended the night by dancing to Beyonce and Rihanna and I was finally to able to breathe. It took a bit of time, but I finally felt at ease.

Knowing my surroundings and being surrounded by people that I feel safe around are key for me during anxiety attacks. I had a pretty mild attack that night and something small like a change of scenery was all that I needed, but sometimes it takes a lot more to feel comfortable and safe.

I just want to throw it out there that if you've ever felt like this, you are not alone. Anxiety is a painful and scary thing to live with. It comes in many forms and has ton of different symptoms. This just scratches the surface for me. It can feel like a cruel joke when a social event that I've been excited about for months turns into a nightmare, sometimes without a distinct trigger, and it's not fair. It can feel like a joke, but it's 100% real. Nothing about it is fair but it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

*** There are a ton of great resources online if you'd like to read more about what anxiety is or how to care for yourself during an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks are extremely personal things, meaning that no two people will experience it the same way. What works for me may not work for you. What works for you sometimes may not work for you other times. Mental illness is not something to be ashamed about. Seeing someone like a doctor or counsellor, while it is not for everyone, can be an important step for some people. You are not weak for living with anxiety (or any other mental illness), you are not weak for seeking help, you are not weak for doing what you need to do during an attack and your feelings during anxiety attacks are 100% valid. 

JACKET/ Michel Studio (similar) TOP/ Forever 21+ SKIRT/ Penningtons (similar)

TIGHTS/ Addition Elle (similar) SHOES/ Old Navy (thrifted / similar)
HANDBAG/ Rebecca Minkoff LIPSTICK/ Sephora 'Cream Lip Stain' in 001 Always Red

Photos by Michael Tundo

147/ WHY I BLOG

I started this blog four years ago. A lot has happened within those four years; my personal style has evolved a tremendous amount and this blog has given me a great deal of opportunities. 

Blogging might not make sense to some people. It doesn't make sense to me some days. A lot of people see blogs as a narcissistic endeavor but truth be told it takes a lot of courage to start one and it takes a ton of effort to go out and take pictures. Most days I can't find the energy to do so, but I try my hardest.

The reason I started this blog was because I was falling out of love with my two main passions. I defined myself as both a writer and a photographer my interest was slipping away. I started this blog as a way to seamlessly (clothing pun #hadto) combine those worlds all while intertwining them with my love of fashion. 

Sometimes I really feel like I'm throwing all of this content into a void. The internet is a huge place and it's easy to get lost. I often feel like I'm a huge inconvenience to friends and family when I ask them to take my pictures or even to read my posts. It can be frustrating and difficult at times, but I keep going. A lot of people ask me why I do it and truth be told, I started it for myself but it has become a lot more than that.

The highlight of my week/day/month/year is when people come to me (either online or in person) and tell me that they read my blog. I've been thanked by people and I've been told that I've inspired people to wear pieces that they'd otherwise be afraid of. This brings me a lot of joy. Not because I need validation from others (although that is always nice) but because I'm been that person before. Honestly, I still am that person a great deal of the time.

Representation is so important - I really can't stress that enough. Plus size fashion blogs have helped me in a way that I can't even begin to explain and I'm so happy that they exist. It's amazing seeing people you look up to, who look similar to you, doing things that you want to do. There's nothing in the world quite like that feeling and if I can help even one person think "I can do it, I deserve to be seen and heard" then this is all worthwhile.

TOP/ Forever 21+ BLAZER/ Junarose PANTS/ Penningtons

HANDBAG/ Milly BAG CHARM/ Ardenes NECKLACE/ H&M

SHOES/ Birkenstocks LIPSTICK/ Fuchsia by Joe Fresh (liquid)

Photos by Sue Waugh (shout out to the pink fluff on my shoulder)

SUMMER 2016

This past season has been a whirlwind, I wouldn't even know where I would begin to explain it. My friends and I went to Toronto, to Florida, to Sandbanks and had many adventures in between. I'm going to look back on this past summer with a ton of memories, some good and some bad, but it has been one hell of a ride.

Here's a small collection of photos that were taken over the past couple of months. All of them were taken with my iPhone 6+.

132/ YEAR IN REVIEW

This past year was a whirlwind of adventure. I had a lot of firsts and hopefully a few lasts. I laughed a lot, explored different places and met a ton of new and interesting people along the way. I learned a lot this year; about me, mostly, but also about the world around me. I'm definitely going into the new year with a different perspective. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities that were thrown my way within these past couple of months and I definitely wouldn't have come this far without the help of the amazing people in my life.

Here are a handful of personal highlights from 2015:
1/ Roadtripping to Alberta and seeing the Rockies
2/ Attending different concerts and music festivals (Drake, Kanye, Riotfest, ect)
3/ Getting a matching tattoo with my oldest brother
4/ Meeting new friends
5/ Spending time with old friends
6/ Eating. All. The. Food.
7/ Trips to Montreal, Toronto and Sandbanks
8/ Going to Orlando, Florida (Disney World and Universal Studios)
9/ Being on live TV with my best friend, Laura
10/ Visiting different museums around the city (Diefenbunker, War Museum, Museum of Nature, National Gallery)

The lowest moment for me was definitely when I was suffering from a concussion that I gained from a music festival. It wasn't something that I wanted to talk about, but it's worth mentioning. Although that month or so was plagued with insecurity, debilitating headaches, anxiety and depression - it really brought to light the kindness and patience of the people in my life. It was an extremely hard time in my life, and I'm beyond thankful for everyone who helped me through it. It still amazes me how caring and kind a lot of my family and friends were and it means the world to me that they could stand by me and help me during such a difficult time. I was terrified that the injury would scare me away from attending future concerts or music festivals (concerts are my favourite thing in the world, but I'm sure you already knew that) but I'm slowly breaking through that fear - I even have tickets to see three different concerts in Montreal in the new year.

Overall 2015 was really good to me. It's wild to think that we're going into the year 2016, but I can't wait to see what it has in store.

@ lake louise, alberta (rocky mountains)

sandbanks beach | my brothers/my tattoo | the rocky mountains

drake in montreal | riot fest in toronto | shania twain w laura

national gallery of canada | magic kingdom at disney world | wizarding world of harry potter

me and: zach | aurelia | lisa & laura | laura, jessie & michael | laura (our live tv appearance)

cappuccino at equator coffee | homemade fajitas w lisa | bazille @ nordstrom rideau

Top picture by Derek Waugh / all other pictures were taken from my Instagram - @rosiexwaugh

121 / BACK TO BASICS

It was hotter than hell on the day these pictures were taken. I decided to go for a lightweight white cotton top paired with distressed skinny jeans; this is a look that truly makes my life a lot easier. I decided to go a bit more bold with the accessories to make up for how basic the rest of my outfit felt.

Looking back on this post and seeing a picture of me actually smiling (while holding a smiley face balloon) has me thinking about my own happiness. Throughout my life I've been known to be rather negative and at times even bitter. Lately I've been attempting to turn my thinking around and I'm trying my absolute best to find positive sides to the situations I find myself in. Reminding myself of the ~little~ things that make me smile is a great way to remain positive and it really helps me see the beauty in the world. I'm going to share a list with you below that mentions a handful of things that make me happy. There are definitely more things that make me smile that aren't mentioned on the list but here are some of the first things that came to mind:

Thunderstorms, loud music, long drives, bright lipsticks, bold patterns, airy fabrics, fresh flowers, the paws on kitties, kitties in general, old friends, new friends, best friends, friends that feel like family, family that feel like friends, deep conversations, killer handbags, ready to wear fashion, couture gowns, combat boots, finding an unbeatable sale, hearing about people's passions, seeing the fire in their eyes, holding hands, air conditioning, first snowfalls, lived-in jeans, maps, glitter, reruns of old TV shows, hot coffee, iced tea, homemade cookies, heartfelt letters, popping bubble wrap, waking up to text messages, good hair days, laughing until I cry, Alexisonfire, colourful sunsets, red nail polish, peeling the plastic off of new CDs, waking up from a well deserved nap, Harry Potter, brand new tattoos, cringe-worthy puns, jelly filled donuts, anything covered in sprinkles, compliments from strangers, memorable outfits, movie popcorn, gummy candy, forehead kisses, beaten up Chuck Taylors, the smell of fresh laundry, the warmth from a candle, birthday wishes, wild dancing, live music, witty comebacks, facial hair, anything grape flavoured, long weekends, sleeping in, cozy scarves, binge watching, The Simpsons, star filled skies and McDonald's french fries. 

TOP/ Penningtons JEANS/ Forever 21+ (diy distressed)

SHOES/ Converse HANDBAG/ Milly

Photos by Laura Kidd

NINETY-EIGHT/ birthday recap

I'M OFFICIALLY TWENTY-THREE! I’ve always been a huge fan of birthdays and this years has been truly remarkable. I’m so blessed to have such amazing friends and family. It’s unreal how much I've been spoiled this year, I really feel so lucky and fortunate for everyone, and everything, in my life at this moment.

My goal for this year is to try my absolute best to make it the most amazing and memorable year of my life to date.

My birthday is technically the 16th of December so it was a few days ago but I've been spending the past week either celebrating, working or Christmas shopping so I haven't really had a chance to hammer out this post. My birthday was celebrated from Friday the 12th up until my actual date of birth and I truly had a blast. From going out dancing with my friends, eating the best ice cream cake ever, to spending time with my loved ones and receiving the most thoughtful cards and gifts, to going to Montreal for a day and getting a new tattoo - this year's birthday was definitely one for the books. 

before we went out | my AMAZING blink themed ice cream cake | a very thoughtful gift from my best friend, Lisa

my birthday present to myself | lunch in montreal | aurelia's tattoo

the new love of my life | birthday brunch ft my new fav mug and suzyq doughnuts | j'adore

NINETY-TWO/ atomic cat eye

I did something stupid the other day. Online window shopping is something of a hobby for me and sometimes it can lead down a dangerous path. I've been pretty good lately and haven't succumb to temptation but I couldn't pass up these sunglasses. They're just unlike anything I've ever seen before!

This is not a sponsored post by any means, I really just wanted to show them off. Although I'm totally in love with them, I'm not sold on the way they look on me. Prepare to see them in a future outfit post and I'll let you all be the judge. I've been talking about them to anyone who will listen and I whip them out to show people every chance I get. I have really mixed feelings about them (I'm afraid they might be a tad small for my giant head) but their beauty and originality keep pulling me back in. I'm dedicated to making them work for me and I will totally rock them even if they don't necessarily look at home on my head.

Karen Walker 'Atomic Cat Eye Acetate Sunglasses'

Currently $94 (originally $235) via theoutnet.com

NINETY-ONE/ a fever you can't sweat out

Truth be told, the pictures below were taken in July. I almost wore this outfit out to a friend's birthday (at a disco themed night called 'fever' at a local bar) but I frantically changed right after these photos were taken. Why? Because I hated how I looked. When I looked at these pictures on Laura's camera, I felt sick. I hated how I looked in the top and I didn't feel like my usual confident self. It was definitely a moment of weakness but that's something we all fall victim to sometimes.

Looking back, changing my outfit wasn't the best option. I truly loved this look, I just didn't like how it looked on me at the time. Instead I went with a basic dress and I felt boring the entire night. I should have let my personality shine through, I should have remained strong... but I let my insecurities win.

In general, I'm not typically the person who worries if something is flattering or not but it does happen from time to time. I used to beat myself up over it when it would happen, but I've come that those moments of doubt are okay and that they're human.

When I look back on these pictures, I don't see what I saw that day. I see someone who is confident, strong and fierce. I'll have to make it a point to wear this outfit out on a different day and I will rock it with every ounce of strength that I know I have.

TOP/ Brand Unknown (thrifted) LEGGINGS/ American Apparel 

BAG/ H&M SHOES/ New Look

Photos by Laura Kidd

SECOND BIRTHDAY ~

I'm at a loss for words right now. I can't believe that it has been TWO YEARS since my blog first launched. My life has changed a great deal because of it and I'm so so grateful for all of it. Thank you to all of my readers, new and old, you guys mean the world to me. It's unbelievable to me the amount of positive reactions I've received because of this, and whenever someone stops me on the street to recognize me from this site... that just blows me away. I definitely don't have a large following, but it's crazy to me to think that any one reads this... so from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!

SEVENTY-SIX/ combat baby come back

I used to wear these boots every. single. day. and then suddenly, I stopped. They moved to the back of a closet somewhere in my house and slipped to the back of my mind. I'm happy to say that they've found their way back to me after a couple of grim years. They are the ideal combat boot; they're made of real leather, have a stacked heel and the gripped sole makes them perfect for Canadian winters. I've had these boots for almost five years now and they truly get better with every wear. In a sick twisted way I feel like I rediscovered a part of myself. Isn't it weird how we are so attached to such superficial things? These boots fit me like an absolute glove and allow me to walk tall with confidence.

"We used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat / Ever since you have been gone it's all caffeine-free / Faux punk fatigues / Said it all before / They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep / Get no harm done no  / None of them want to fight me / Combat baby come back baby / Fight off the lethargy / Don't go quietly / Combat baby / Said you would never give up easy / Combat baby come back" - Combat Baby by Metric

SEVENTY-THREE/ resolutions

This is coming to you all a month late. I've taken a bit of a hiatus from my blog for the last little bit, and to be completely honest, I've been missing in action from a lot of aspects of my life lately. I can't find the words to describe how the last few months or so has been for me. Although my life has been hectic and busy, I found myself hiding for a lot of the time.

SIXTY-EIGHT/ a series of selfies

I've always been a bit of a risk taker when it comes to my hair, so when I made a (much needed) hair appointment this past week, I knew I had to walk out of the salon with something fresh and new. My new do was done purely out of impulse and I'm still having a bit of trouble adjusting to it. I do find myself growing more and more comfortable with the length and style of it daily; I'm hoping that I'll fall in love with it by the end of the week. I'm sure it'll grow on me. (pun intended)

* Nails by Laura Kidd

GIVING THANKS

For those of you who don't know - this past weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada. If you're unsure of what that is, it's basically a weekend to give thanks to everything you're fortunate to have in your life. It's a time to spend with family and friends, to reflect on everything good in your life and to eat yourself into a food coma. 

FIFTY-NINE/ instagram three

My iPhone 4 kicked the bucket a month and a half ago. I was devastated, like any reasonable person would be. After an awful few weeks, I decided to bite the bullet and just get a new phone. Anyone who has been in this situation before (likely all of you) knows how difficult that can be - ESPECIALLY when you have time left on your contract. I decided to end my relationship with Rogers and make the switch to Fido (same company essentially, I know) and I haven't looked back since. I currently own a shiny new black iPhone 5 and I admit I hated it at first. There's no weight to it so when I put it in my pocket I'm constantly checking to see if it has fallen out, the battery life is awful... but those are all things I've gotten used to. I'm so in love with it now, I couldn't imagine life without it.

Of course I was deprived of texting those few weeks I went without a phone, but honestly I probably missed Instagram the most. That sounds so messed up, but it's true. The camera on my new phone, as well as the screen, is about a million times better than my old one so I'm sitting on cloud nine over here.

Here's a bit of an Instagram update of my not so hectic life as of lately.

@rosiexwaugh

my cat's paws | an outfit photo taken with my iPhone 4 shortly before it died | my new iPhone

finally cleaned my desk | self care in the form of tea, dark chocolate and Harper's Bazaar | obsessed w/ this picture of Michael / his new(est) coat

my new found mini biscotti / espresso addiction | my favourite new bracelet | pumpkin chai latte from Simply Biscotti

Bridgehead coffee and mixed greens & quinoa cake salad aka my favourite lunch | Ottawa Pride Parade | ~selfies~

salmon sashimi | Ciara's new CD | my newest clutch

THE 2013 THEORY/ part two

You may remember my post at the start of this year explaining how 2013 would be the best year of my life. I'm not going to pretend like it hasn't fallen short of almost all of my expectations, but I'm not going to wallow in self pity about it either. Truthfully, the only reason this year hasn't been great so far is because I haven't allowed it to be great.

Maybe it's because I'm so negative by nature, maybe it's because I'm in a rut, who knows. I can "blame" it on a million different things but the reality is that only I have the power to change it. I was talking with my friend a few days ago and I briefly mentioned how this year wasn't going how I expected it to go and he just simply told me that the year isn't over yet. That sparked something in me. How could I throw in the towel while there are a few good months left?

So I set another goal for myself. As of September 1st, this year will be reborn. Think of it like a second New Years, if you will. I'm going into the last stretch of this year with nothing but positive thoughts and wishful thinking. I'm hoping going to make every moment count, and when 2014 rolls around, I'll aim to make that year even better.

A few personal goals are: carrying my camera with me more often, updating my blog more often, waking up earlier and eating a proper breakfast, regulating my sleep schedule, getting back into some of my old hobbies (photography and writing), going on new adventures and welcoming new people into my life.

I'll be sure to update you all on my progress.

FORTY-EIGHT/ instagram three

This summer has been too hot and humid for me to actually care what I look like. My outfits have lacked any imagination lately and I've been dressing in minimal clothing just so I don't sweat to death. My life has also been exceptionally boring as well but I'm making an honest effort to change that. I'm sick of doing the same things over and over again and I'm going to try to document at least some of the changes in my routine here on my blog as well as on my Tumblr. The weather has been letting up a little bit and I promise to do at least one outfit post later this week. Here's an Instagram update until then:

(More pictures can be found at @rosiexwaugh on Instagram)

RiRi Woo lipstick by MAC / "patiently" waiting for friends at Starbucks / new nail polishes

Magna Carta.... Holy Grail aka my latest obsession / finally saw M.I.A. live / at M.I.A. (photo c/o my friend Jessie)

 my new bookcase from Ikea / sushi feast for a friend's birthday / drinks (sangria, a shot of tequila and a lime margarita) in Montreal

random picture of my Blundstones while waiting for the bus  / Jessie Ware & City and Colour CDs / nails (done by Laura Kidd)